Dear Rav!

I have a question for you: is there any problem if on Shabbat you are in a house where Shabbat is not observed? Not rudely, of course, but like this: the phone rings and they answer, the children are allowed to draw, the kettle is turned on, etc.

I am a religious Jew, and my husband’s parents are not religious, but in principle they respect “our” Shabbat... And besides, our first child was born, and I am already afraid of his future questions...

Thank you in advance

Sincerely

Hagit

Rehovot, Israel

The reasons why it becomes necessary to spend Shabbat in the same apartment with people who do not observe the laws of the Sabbath may vary. Let's look at a few of the most common cases.

1. A Sabbath-keeping family lives with a husband or wife who does not keep the laws of the Sabbath (no matter how many times during the Sabbath they knowingly break the law, even if “only” once).

It should be kindly but clearly explained to parents that living together with them in the same apartment is possible only on the condition that they fully observe the laws of the Sabbath in it. It is important to talk with them about what aspects of compliance seem especially difficult to them, and try to find solutions to the problems. And - to meet halfway in issues, the solution of which will not lead to a violation of Halacha (law), but will add additional “colors” to Shabbat, even if you do not need it and you would not do it for yourself.

If parents do not want to give up TV, telephone conversations, etc. on Saturdays, they must separate - even if this involves material and other losses and inconveniences. But in such a way (and this is obligatory!), so as not to violate the commandment of honoring father and mother. That is, without “scandals”, leaving offensive words unanswered, trying to maintain good relations with parents.

Very often, by the way, this behavior of “children” leads to the fact that parents ultimately choose the right path.

2. Parents live nearby, but not with their children.

You can visit them on Shabbat, provided that during your visit they do not violate the laws of the Sabbath. And, if the family has children aged from two to thirteen years old, in order to avoid unnecessary questions, there should be no “traces” of violation of Shabbat in the grandparents’ apartment before the guests arrive (for example, there should not be a pot of hot food on the stove if gas or electricity is turned off).

We are talking about children aged two to thirteen years, because until about one and a half to two years the child does not notice the subtleties of the situation, and after thirteen, the child can be explained that grandparents, unfortunately, do not yet observe the Sabbath and need to pray, so that they get to this point as quickly as possible.

3. Parents live far away.

You cannot come to them for Shabbat unless the conditions set out in paragraph 1 are met. You can and should invite them to your Shabbat, but again, on the condition that they adhere to the rules by which the family that hosts them lives lives.

4. If we are not talking about parents, but about relatives or friends, then the situation is easier. After all, the Torah commandment to honor father and mother does not apply to them. And within the framework of other commandments and customs - about “derech eretz” (well-mannered behavior), about respect and love for one’s neighbor, there is more “room for maneuver” - to explain the situation, rules of conduct in a house receiving guests, etc.

Of course, we have not analyzed all cases. But practice shows that if you treat people with sincere kindness, but at the same time do not compromise the principles of observing the laws of the Torah, there is almost always a way to solve the problems you pose.

Lyricist Eliyahu Essas