COMPONENTS OF A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

COMPONENTS OF A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

Jewish view

Well-being in life is largely determined by how our relationships with people develop. And perhaps the most important thing in this area is the choice of a partner for creating a family. Not only our life, but also the life of our children and even, to some extent, the life of our parents, depends on how accurate the “hit” will be.

Most people decide to get married without even studying the experience accumulated by previous generations. Some do not even think about what marriage is. And almost everyone, with rare exceptions, is looking for an answer to the questions, “how to find a life partner?”, “Am I ready to get married?”, “Is this the person you can live with all your life?” - find complete helplessness.

Everything seems to be natural. Modern young people get to know each other, “examine” each other for a while, and if there is mutual attraction between them, they go under the chuppah.

We believe that the Almighty wants only good for us, and created this world for the benefit of man. So that each of us can live a meaningful, joyful life, He gave us instructions on how to achieve this. His Book - the Torah is called "Torat Chaim", which literally means - the instruction of life.

About marriage, the Torah says: “... a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis, ch. 2, article 24).

That is, according to the Torah, family life is not a “neighbourhood” and not a partnership that allows you to improve your financial situation and share the burden of routine household chores. This is a process in which two people become "one flesh", one whole, complementing each other.

But how can this be achieved?

Imagine that family life is a big journey. The car is already parked, petrol is in the tank, food is in the trunk — we are ready to go. What is required for two travelers to be able to join together on a trip?

First, they must know where they want to go, and that their aspirations coincide. If one wants to go south and the other wants to go north, there will be no joint trip.

Secondly, they should distribute responsibilities during the trip. Otherwise, they will face trouble and many inconveniences.

Thirdly, they must like each other. Otherwise, their journey will turn into unbearable torture.

The same is true in family life.

First of all, it is important that the husband and wife have common life goals and values. This seems obvious, but in practice it is often ignored. As a result, after living a certain number of years, couples get divorced. Because, “it turns out”, the husband wants to have children, but the wife does not. Or because the husband and wife, as it turns out, have completely different views on the problems associated with raising a child. There are a lot of divorces due to the fact that couples do not agree on the issue of observing the laws of tradition, which reveals fundamental differences in worldview.

Families also break up because the husband and wife strive for career growth, and household duties become an obstacle for both on this path ...

I do not set myself the task of describing all types of family discord. The main thing is that the examples given here confirm that, when deciding to start a family, both parties often do not take into account that common values and aspirations are the foundation on which the unity of a couple is built, and do not think about what are the foundations of their future marriage.

Many mistakenly believe that the creation of a family is the goal of life, and mutual attraction is enough for its implementation. Or, as they say, mutual love.

In reality, marriage is an effective tool that helps people who have united their destinies to truly discover their capabilities and achieve the goals that they have set for themselves.

If two people have a poor idea of what they want to achieve in life, and marry to avoid loneliness, they are likely to expect “loneliness together” in marriage, when each is on his own.

Determining your own life goals and priorities is not easy. But if we do not do it ourselves, we will inevitably follow the example of the environment in which we live. And the values generally accepted in modern society are success and wealth. However, spending a lot of energy and time on becoming rich and making a career, somewhere in the depths of our souls we understand that this is not the main thing in life. And we know that financial and career achievements are not yet a guarantee of a lasting marriage. It even happens the other way around: a person who gives all his strength to work, as a rule, does not have enough time for a family, for raising children. The “second party” may not like this.

So what does the term "life purpose" mean to us?

“Sometimes we have no idea what we are living for,” wrote Rabbi Noach Weinberg, “until we realize what we are ready to die for. Think about what is most important to you. It should be something that makes your life meaningful and meaningful. And then ask yourself, “Why? Why am I ready (ready) to die for this?

This statement of an outstanding rabbi of our time is a kind of test, using which everyone can try to understand what is worth striving for in life.

The second “test” also helps to cope with this task: try to remember two or three people whom you value and respect more than others. And answer yourself the question - why and for what?

A wife may be angry with her husband for not putting the toothpaste back. Sometimes a husband and wife argue over whose turn it is to get up at night to see a child who has cried. But because of this, they do not get divorced.

Only by determining their own life priorities, a person is able to ask a potential marriage partner about this. To make sure they both look in the same direction.

And you should not hope that, having married, you will be able to come to an agreement, and the manifestations and traits that you do not like in each other will change for the better. Of course, people can change their mind or taste in something. But the character traits that have developed under the influence of parents and the environment of ideas about relationships in the family are very stable “values”. Therefore, fundamental changes should not be expected.

Potential marriage partners should pay attention to how the "other side" refers to the father, mother, sisters, brothers and other household members. If it is bad, there is a considerable risk that relations in the newly formed family will not develop in the best way.

It is necessary even at the “romantic” stage to think that your chosen one (chosen one), if you decide to start a family, with all the qualities inherent in him (her) will become the father (mother) of your children.

Now - about obligations.

Let's try to understand what is the meaning of Jewish marriage. In the Torah we read: “And the Almighty created man in his own image, in the image of the Creator he created him, male and female — He created them” (Genesis, ch. 1, article 27).

From this passage we learn that man was originally created as male and female in one being. They were then separated to join as a married couple and become "one flesh."

And this is not just a poetic metaphor.

Suppose you were asked, "What obligations do you have to your own hand?" I think you would object: “But my hand is a part of myself!”.

It would never occur to anyone to get rid of a hand if, say, it is not beautiful enough. Such thoughts can appear in the most extreme case - if the preservation of the hand threatens death (when in the hand, not about us, gangrene develops, which can spread throughout the body).

The same is with marriage. Our main obligation is to keep it until you feel that this family connection is deadly for you. You can get divorced if the relationship between husband and wife has become offensive, destructive, and it is impossible to fix it.

Often people get divorced simply because they are bored with each other. Or because of that, life in marriage has lost its novelty and freshness. “We never laugh like we used to,” says the husband (or wife). I wonder what you would think of a person who told you that he was going to amputate his arm because he "stopped getting high from it"? Anyone will say: "This guy has a mental disorder." And if my comparison of marriage to a hand seems a bit exaggerated, it's because we have the wrong idea about what comfort is and what satisfaction is.

Comfort is not a complex of pleasures. Rather, it is the absence of pain when, for example, you lie on the beach and experience pleasant sensations.

Family life does not mean comfort, but satisfaction from joint achievements. Which, of course, requires serious work. If your achievement did not require much effort from you, it will not bring you true satisfaction either.

Having united in a couple, you will no longer be able to live the way you want, indulging your own weaknesses. Here you need to be prepared for the fact that you may have to give up some habits and even reconsider your qualities, which is very difficult to do.

In family life, we realize that from now on, not only “I” exist in one space, but also another person who differs from me in many ways. Therefore, I have to “press my ego” and build an emotional connection with the person who lives next to me.

The union of two people striving to become "one flesh" is usually not painless. Perhaps there will come a point in your married life when you give up and say to yourself, “I can’t take this anymore!” At that very moment, the future of your family is in the balance. Take a deep breath and find a wise solution to the problem. If you have enough strength for this, the situation will improve - solid enough ground will appear under your feet for building a good family. If you are not willing to put in the effort, your family relationships will begin to fall apart and eventually come to a standstill. For someone this process takes six months, for someone it takes six years ... But without working on family relationships, you cannot create a reliable, lasting family.

A person undertakes to make such efforts already under the Chuppah. And if you are not ready to take on this obligation, you probably need to think at the stage of making a decision whether to marry?

But if it is so difficult to build a family life, is it necessary to get married at all (get married)?

To realize that every person needs a family, one must at least know that only in marriage does a person get the opportunity to complete the formation of his personality. Without a family, egocentrism develops in a person, because his main concern is the fulfillment of his own desires. Marriage gives a chance to break the shell of self-centeredness and become a "giver" who cares about another person - about a wife (husband), about children. In it, everyone discovers something in himself that he did not know before. Deepens and expands your emotional world.

In today's reality, some young people prefer to live together without binding themselves with formal and other obligations. Perhaps they are right?

No, not right. Without commitment, he and she are just roommates. They are building a house on the sand. Since in such relationships there is always an easy way out - both agreed and parted - it is likely that the partners, sooner or later, will use this way out.

Commitment is the foundation of a family. And if you want your partner to have obligations to you, then you must also have obligations to him.

But where is the love in all this? Is it possible to talk about creating a family without mentioning the feelings that potential partners have for each other?

The topic of love between a man and a woman is very difficult to discuss. Because, in particular, that often we ourselves are not able to sort out our own feelings. And sometimes we take for love - passion. Suppose someone saw a girl, and she seemed so beautiful to him that he fell in love and decided that he wanted to connect fate with her.

Did he really fall in love with a stranger?

Hardly. In any case, the sensations that he experienced were only the beginning for the continuation of the acquaintance, a hobby. And this beginning still did not testify to anything. A passion can “flare up” instantly and quickly be forgotten. Or turn into disappointment.

True love is born out of deep respect for the opposite sex. Passion is blind, love is like a magnifying glass.

If you think that your chosen one is perfection, you are probably very passionate. If you admire her openness, sincerity, responsiveness, goodwill, you are most likely on the verge of falling in love.

To fall in love, you need to know a person, see his spiritual beauty, strength of character, share his values, admire his talents, etc. Saying you love someone without getting to know them better is like judging the content of a book you haven't read.

It is written in the Torah: “And Isaac brought her (Rivka) into the tent of Sarah, his mother… And she became his wife, and he loved her” (Genesis, ch. 24, art. 67).

Perhaps this is shocking to many, but I undertake to assert that true love between a man and a woman is born after marriage. It gradually deepens as your sense of appreciation and respect for your “other half” grows.

I cannot help but relate here a conversation that took place between representatives of three generations of the same family.

“You know, dad,” the adult son said to his father at dinner. - Only after five years of marriage, I think I finally understood what love is.

“Don’t rush to conclusions,” his father answered him. - I think you will understand this when you live with your wife for 25 years.

Grandpa intervened at this point.

“You will live with your wives for 50 years,” he said. “Then you’ll really understand what love is…”

Summing up what has been said, I consider it necessary to emphasize that in order to get married (get married), one must, of course, feel attracted to the bride (groom). Intimate relationships are the basis of marriage, and it is impossible to build a strong family if you do not like your partner from the very beginning. But this does not mean that she or he should win in your eyes in the "beauty pageant". It's not about that. A person should attract you, and in the course of family life, this feeling of attraction will grow - as you appreciate each other's spiritual qualities more and more. And your intimate relationship will become an expression of the spiritual and emotional closeness that has formed between you.

If you want to create a family for life, do not rush to the Chuppah. Try to get to know the person with whom you are going to link your fate better ...

R. Dan Silverman