CHANGES
CHANGES
Rav Jacob Salomon
What is the scariest six-letter English word you know?
"DATING"? No, it's not. "SKIING"? And that's not it. "PASTRY" (PASTRY SHOP)? Doesn't fit either...
What about "CHANGE"?
If you are like most people (and don't be fooled, you are), any change scares you to a great extent, throws you off balance.
Each of us from time to time tries to make changes in our daily lives, but how many succeed in this?
You're trying to quit smoking, or lose weight, or learn Hebrew, or visit your grandma more often, or surf the Internet a little less, or spend more time with your kids... and you'll likely have enough willpower to get off to a good start, but you'll run out of steam a few days later. Or, even more likely, you will never start at all, but will only talk and talk about it all the time, ad infinitum.
there are people who are more successful at making changes than others. What is their secret? How do they manage to move forward? Why do these optimists believe that life's obstacles and all sorts of trials are an additional incentive to go towards the goal? While pessimists perceive each new transition as a 50-ton log lying in their way.
The answer is not as simple as it seems, but you can still get to the bottom of it.
Here are three tips that don't claim to be mind-boggling but still have the potential to catapult you from a state of paralysis to a state of action.
1. See what you've already done!
The main requirement for the transition to something new is faith in yourself. We have all succeeded in certain areas and failed in others. Unfortunately, often failures can overshadow achievements. We tend to exaggerate our shortcomings and downplay our victories.
This practice must be stopped. Otherwise, you will never have enough energy to accept difficult changes without convincing evidence that you are capable of it. The only way to readjust is to remember the victories, feel free to listen to praise and, if necessary, remind yourself of what you have achieved in your life.
Five minutes a day should be enough. After a while, you will begin to believe that you can overcome everything!
As King Shlomo said in his parables (Mishlei), “The heart of the wise looks to the right, the heart of the fool looks to the left...” What is it about? Now let's understand.
Hebrew has a peculiarity. Lines are written and read from right to left. Each sacred book opens on the right side and each subsequent page starts on the right.
Many of us take a book off the shelf with the best of intentions. We want to learn, we want to go through everything - from the first letter to the last, we want to start and finish. But too often we slow down, get stuck, lose interest, determination and pace. We start to get distracted more and more often.
In most cases, our willingness to give up easily stems from the enormity of the task, which seems beyond our ability. “Look how many pages! I'll never be able to master them anyway. So why continue? You can stop right now and not suffer.”
Stop, says King Solomon, you approached this book from the wrong side. Only a fool looks at a book on the left! Why would you count how many pages you haven't explored yet?! Look to the right and you'll see how much you've already learned! This will encourage you to keep working and you will be able to complete the task assigned to you. This is the formula of wisdom.
2. Approach - "cold head"
Every person has bad habits. They range from severe and scary - drugs, alcohol, gambling, overeating - to almost innocent - nail biting, the habit of interrupting an interlocutor, untidiness, etc. etc.
Breaking habits is hard work. One of the biggest stumbling blocks to success is the notion that the only way to break a habit is to get rid of everything at once. Big delusion.
If you give the baby a full bowl of porridge, there is a high probability that he will drop it on the floor. But if you feed him with a spoon - a portion, another small portion, more ... - then, most likely, the baby will eat what he is supposed to, and will be full.
Yes, there are cases when a habit needs to be abandoned immediately and abruptly, but this is in special situations. Most often, our habits and addictions are those things that we have been doing for a long time. Dropping them quickly can lead to quick change, but it tends to be short-lived, which is not what we're looking for. We want lasting change.
How to be?
In such cases, I advise you to draw up a plan of action.
1) Define a clear and specific goal. For example, "I want to stop being late for meetings, dinners, work, synagogue, etc."
2) Do not make changes to your schedule for the next couple of weeks. Just write down every time you arrive late, what time you missed.
3) Create a goal for the next week. Reduce the interval of being late to five minutes and be late no more than two or three places.
4) Graph your results without complicating tasks. Even if it seems like an easy leap, don't go for it, just stick to the plan.
5) For the next week, eliminate being late to the two places you arrived five minutes late the previous week.
6) Give yourself pleasure. Reward yourself for completing the plan.
3. Avoid comparisons
One of the side effects of our time with you has been incredible communication. Everyone knows everything about everyone. Or at least they think they know.
● "Stan looks like he's making a lot of money."
● "Debbie lives such a carefree life like she doesn't care about anything in the world."
● “Miriam is just Miss Popularity herself. No wonder she's always smiling."
In fact, we know very little about Stan, Debbie and Miriam. All we know is what we see. And reality can be very far from what is visible to our eyes.
But somehow this does not prevent us from making constant destructive comparisons.
● "I'll never be as popular as Miriam, so why bother trying to befriend someone?"
● “Everything always worries me, I can't find peace for myself. But I would like to be like Debbie.
● “I'm unemployed. To become like Stan does not shine for me. You can't get rich with three cents in your pocket."
When comparing ourselves to the people around us, we inevitably draw the erroneous conclusion that we will never be able to “match” with them.
But G-d created each of us with our own unique identity, DNA, fingerprints and purpose.
So, besides the fact that things are never what they seem, our goals must be OUR OWN GOALS.
What someone else has done has nothing to do with your own goals.
Focus on what is within your reach and remember that your ability to change has nothing to do with someone else's success or failure.